The Cognitive Dissonance Of Love

When bipolar illness would’t let the woman he loved find her voice, Jack Varnell wrote the voice he heard anyway.


Excerpt from ::A Journal Of Bipolar Love::

Prologue:

She says all the time that I couldn’t possibly understand what it means to be, well…her.

I always respond by re-informing her that, at least I am trying, and that seems to be more than anyone else ever did. In my own self righteous way, of course.I remind her that if nothing else we have love. We have common ground, we have survival instinct and, have earned that right – to survive. It comes automatically with a highly developed need to thrive.

The love lives in shared unfinished sentences. In mutual feelings and visions. Love lives in the big picture and in the lies that aren’t real because we know defenseless moments in time, and unguarded smiles of recognition and acceptance.

What’s important, the thing she forgets most often, is that we have shared so much of life and all it has had to offer us. Before we even met. I know a little about what it all means, as does she. Mania, depression, hopelessness and addictions of all sorts have crossed my path. They have tempted me with the ease of giving up and sinking down for the last time. She has had the same along with trauma I can only imagine.

None of it is hers versus mine, I know these things. I know because I have seen and felt their defeatist and well worn claws around my throat. I know their pain, and futility. They are ancient, and though they once had the power to kill me, today they are an annoyance, old, and feeble – weakened by truth. I know they can be defeated. I know because I want to live and thrive. She doesn’t always want to believe that is true. I have to know it is, not only from experience but because I have earned that gift. I must know. Or die.

She has given me too much reason to live for that. She forgets that, and yet, here I am.

If I could convince her I know what it means, here is what I would say….in her own voice. Her interpretation, spoken as if I am her. I offer my answer. My understanding. Whispered into her ear as if her own idea. Projected self-revelation.

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Ways One Middle Aged Guy Can Have His Own Personal Good Man Project

image stephen sheffield

In my obsessive quest to be better, and to momentarily satiate a serious addiction to information, I am constantly swimming through the interwebs in search of nuggets that lead me closer to that noble yet elusive goal of being a “Good” man, a better writer and honestly, an escape from that clock that seems to tick louder and louder in my head.

I often find myself incredibly sensitive to the world around me, and things impact me deeply, so when all the hullabaloo here at GMP with feminist vs. MRA turf wars, subsequent face changes, and some other personal issues in my life converged, I must admit to a bit of downtime in my spirits. I found myself battling with the same old truth that seems to lie at the core of everything I do. If things are a certain way, then what am I going to DO about it? Am I piling on to a problem by simply pointing it out and screaming my opinions, or am I taking action to create a positive change? A wise old mentor taught me very well the idea of “Ok Varnell, so you are addicted. Big deal. What are you going to DO about it?”

FULL TEXT and Referral To SOURCE»>

Do You Believe In Porn and Magic?

According to Jack Varnell, the political fight against pornography is nothing more than smoke and mirrors.

First…A little disclosure. When it comes to politics, I am extremely cynical. I don’t truly like any of the candidates and especially abhor a system that tends to rely on choosing the lesser of two evils, or the candidate that will do the least amount of harm to the country, and our way of life. By “our” I mean all of us, not just the wealthy. I’ll cop to, and claim my own “white, male privilege”, and have worked very hard to minimize it’s moral impact on me, those around me, or those I choose to serve. I like being a “Good Man”, and have developed my own standards for what that means for me through lots of trial and error and the willingness to be wrong…

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‘So a Male Feminist and a Female Humanist Walk Into a Bar…’

The Good Men Project is more than just a “big tent.” It’s a big universe.

In a different lifetime, I would consider Hugo Schwyzer a friend. I am awed by his ability to tell stories of his personal experiences, experiences many of us might be afraid to even remember. I admire his ability to make an argument, to add insight, to have a seemingly endless amount he can say, especially when it comes to feminism. In a previous lifetime, I would have called myself a feminist, too. But these days, I prefer disposable labels of who I am. Labels that cycle in throughout my life as needed. I look at labels, simply, as performance art—the same way gender can be labeled a performance. “If this is Act 3, I must be a CEO.” And within that framework, I simply act in ways that I see as bringing the most good to the most amount of people.

The WHOLE Story »>

Prison: Links To Our Special Series

The series:

Prison is Our Mirror by Tom Matlack

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They Always Call Me Sir: Policing, Prison, and Privilege by Hugo Schwyzer

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Is There a Rational Approach to Prisons by L. Edward Day

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Politics Kills Prisons by Cameron Conaway

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A Prison Poem by a Youthful Offender: Day One in 18 x 80 by Jack Varnell

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Skinners, Rats, and Good Inmates by Rob Reilly

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Eyewitness to an Execution by Brantley Hargrove

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Blood Spattered by Julio Medina

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Making the Streets Safe: An Interview with Abrigal Forrester by Tom Matlack

Wolves at Bay: A Poem About a Partner’s Abuse

Jack Varnell’s first-person poem describes what it’s like to have a partner who was abused.

“…For the first and only time in my life
I was very aware and very sad I wasn’t God,
and that holding you seemed wrong.
Comforting you?   An elusive goal…”

100 Thousand Poets for Change- TOMORROW 09-24-2011

Join The Good Men Project and Michael Rothenberg on September 24, 2011 for a global event: 100 Thousand Poets for Change.

Write and Radio and The Good Men Project are joining 100 Thousand Poets for Change for a global event on September 24, 2011. There are 700 scheduled events in 450 cities and 95 countries so far. Join other poets, Good Men, and Good Women around the USA and across the planet, on September 24th, in a demonstration/celebration of poetry and art to promote serious social, environmental, and political change.